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Okay can somebody open a window! I am sweating!!!!
You know those wars you read about that last so long? Well I feel like I am in one! For some reason I thought I was going to reach a tipping point and things were just going to flow….after all I am reading every day that “I am in the flow”! Not so. It seems when I started that mental diet (checking on keeping the negative thoughts out) that I was recognizing myself doing things that were negative more than ever. Literally thinking and doing things I hadn’t even done before! Crazy! What the…????? I had to go buy a new reset button because I had worn the old one out!
My day might not get off to a great start and I wouldn’t get my first morning read in until mid morning and then everything would get pushed into the night. Immediately I want to pass judgement on myself. STOP today I begin a new life, right? So I keep going. Then the rules come in. One night I literally stayed up until 4:30 in the morning to finish strong. Hmmmm…..not sure how practical that was! Then there was yesterday…man started out so awesome…working on my cards and made a new recording after my morning reads and I was rocking. But last night I was so exhausted that I fell asleep in my daughters bed next to her and slept all night! I woke up and went “crap…I didn’t do my last read or look in the mirror or keep my last hour sacred! You failed again!”
I just want to cry. Then I stop. I remember again… my scores went up on my assessment….so I am improving. But not enough? Notice the question mark? Because that is what I keep asking myself day after day after day! “Did I do enough?” I go back to the laws….I change my thoughts…I change my feelings….I change my attitude and I “try” again. Am I trying, or am I doing? Then I hear the voice saying “it is not just about keeping the requirements or doing the tasks.” The war is raging and I think that is why I am so exhausted SO MUCH OF THE TIME! I feel frustrated at my days gone by that I have not accomplished more. Assessing how I am using my seconds. Wondering where am I wasting all this extra time I am supposed to have? Did I mention I want to cry? (Sometimes I do!)
A couple different things that have resonated in my mind are these: Am I really giving without expectation of reciprocity or in the back of my mind am I still living by the old rules of “I get blessed because I do it right”? Am I waiting for this “get more” part? I think about the different ways I have given. Then I start trying to equalize by what I have gotten. Not the way I need to think. But I didn’t catch it right away. I was following the rules. Being in the flow….how much longer would I have to wait before I saw it coming back…..CRUD! That isn’t it!!!! It is suppose to be without the concern of reciprocity. I am still in the process of trying to straighten that out in my head. But I do know that my old belief in “being good enough for God, so He will bless me in return” is lurking to try to keep its hands in my pockets! Small change…I see it! Hah!
The second piece to this is “I will do nothing that isn’t for the greater good of everyone….I will engage in no transaction that doesn’t benefit all of whom it affects”. Well what about the ripple effect…what if it ends up that someone else is affected negatively…what if I am not sure how everyone will be effected? Then what happens to that connection with God?
19. “If your thought is in harmony with the Creative Principle of Nature (God), it is in tune with the Infinite Mind (God) and it will form the circuit, it will not return to you void; but it is possible for you to think thoughts that are not in tune with the Infinite, and when there is no polarity, the circuit is not formed. What, then, is the result? What is the result when a dynamo is generating electricity, the circuit is cut off and there is not outlet? The dynamo stops.”
20. “It will be exactly the same with you, if you entertain thoughts which are not in accordance with the Infinite and cannot therefore be polarized; there is no circuit, you are isolated, the thoughts cling to you, they harass you, worry you..”
21. “Constructive thought must necessarily be creative, but creative thought must be harmonious, and this eliminates all destructive or competitive thought. ”
So this brings me back to that connection with God. How is this not the thoughts I had in the past where ‘if I do it all right…then God will bless me” different? I “know” that is not what God thinks, because I believe He is immutable and can never change His mind about me or how much He loves me. (But am I really believing this?) So this brings me back to Him as my power source. Staying with my faith….that He is already in me…so the power is there. If I have the faith of a mustard seed I can move mountains…because the power to do it already resides in me. So it is my faith that waivers. Not in who God is but who I am.
I love the Thursday sit with my future self. I feel like I am getting to know her better and better. The other 3 days this week have been a challenge. I really couldn’t even see the first line….let alone draw all the others. I would sit and try over and over again to really see it and felt disappointed in myself when I didn’t see it. I also guessed last week during the webinar that my subconscious would fill in the blank on my empty shapes and I was so excited. But that really hasn’t happened either. I remember what goes in the shape…but I don’t see it. Am I not trying hard enough?
Reality is happening everywhere. I have to watch my words carefully as to what I am telling myself. I am happier in most ways than I have ever been. Yet there are moments when I am so sad because I just want to figure it all out. I want to fix it all right now! That is the way I feel, yet know that it is a process.
I know I can do it IF I fully tap into the resources of His power. Bam! I think I just figured it out! Flipping another switch…I will keep you posted!
“If you wish to change conditions, you must change yourself”.
That statement keeps resounding in my head. The old blueprint keeps insisting that there has been no significant change and the new one says keep going. I am changing.
This place in the middle reminds me of my boat ride in the ocean a few days ago. The ocean was rough and the waves were high, tossing the boat to and fro. I felt really sick at times and I just kept breathing slowly and focusing straight ahead at a sign above the trash can. I saw 3 small squares and some other shapes. I looked at the shapes and recalled the shapes I have put everywhere and what they represented for me. The point? My focus was on the shapes….and not on my current conditions or the waves that were tossing me all over the place. We then got back to land….the conditions changed but not immediately as disembarking was very difficult because the boat was still rocking and the waves were crashing onto the dock. However, there was improvement. Slight change in the conditions. I continued to change where I was. As I got farther onto the land conditions kept improving. This is a representation of my journey. I am changing.
So what I focus on expands…even on the ocean. The tossing around that I feel throughout this experience sometimes brings about emotions where I feel sick, sad, and even crazy and at the same time happy, revitalized and full of hope. My conditions are changing, not as fast as I would like, yet there is improvement. I am changing.
Growth….the law. Whatever I think about grows. Whatever I forget atrophies…without exception. The laws of the mind are my artillery against my old blueprint. Substitution is a regular occurrence. Dual thought over and over again. Yet practice works in my favor. I am changing.
So I am developing good habits and celebrating. Greeting this day with love and celebrating. Keeping my promises and celebrating. Being of service to myself and my family and becoming fearless. Reminding myself that I will give nothing less than my very best. Why?
Because “I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy!”
Source: I’m Done
My old blueprint has definitely been fighting for its life. Seeing my new habits and still questioning myself and this new reality. The freedom I have received this week of getting to start again (and again and again) through the mental diet and in every other area where the old blueprint of perfectionism wants to jump in has been a huge release for me. What I am realizing is with this freedom I get better and my commitment to myself of being all in and doing my personal best just keeps getting better. “The world is perfect, just not complete”. God who designed it could have done nothing less than perfect.
I was so excited after last weeks webinar at the thought of leaving the country for a week and thinking that any resistance would be gone since I would be away from the day to day influences. It took no time at all to realize that it didn’t matter what country I was in or what vacation I took, my old blueprint was coming with me. When perfection at all my readings and exercises didn’t happen upon my departure or arrival to Cozumel, Mexico, my old blueprint reminded me that I should just “give up now” because “you haven’t been perfect”. But instead I looked into the gal in the glass and said “I love you and I will celebrate all the new good things you have achieved!” Taking another mental diet pill and laughing at myself for having to start again. Deciding to be nice to myself and remembering how the 7 laws of the mind have started to take hold and forgiving everyone included me.
The biggest thing I learned this week is that I don’t have to figure it all out. That the previous tool of trying to understand everything was not necessary in my current journey. That was just a survival tool of my old blueprint. While I sit, it is the “still small voice” that guides me and will always be there for me. It is accumulating… as I lay my ego down and begin a new day and greet it with love. I am grateful and blessed.
Definition: INTENTION [in-ten-shuh n]